One day I got into a real panic when I realized so much of my life was not being lived in honesty. I was really living a lie. (The book "People of the lie" may have had something to do with that.) So I called Tot and shared my fear about my inability to be honest. Here is what he said "When you are being honest about your dishonesty, you are being honest!!!" That was what I held onto for a long, long time. To be really honest, up until this moment!!! There is "cash level honesty" and "feelings honesty." We Irish have real trouble with honest feelings. Food and booze are real great facilitators in the prevention of real honest sharing. Learned lessons are hard to unlearn. "I believe Lord, help my unbelief/disbelief" has been my bromide of choice. I ask The Lord to help "my unbelief" on any ordinary day. "help my disbelief" when I am in the place of powerlessness, fear, uncertainty etc. and see no obvious way out. Prayers have to be repeated, and repeated, until they become the automatic response to the challenges we face daily!!!
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