Friday, September 18, 2020

Understanding the Hardened Heart, Part 4

Was not my last blog a real tough read?  We feel we want to read it really fast, to get through it. Now ask this question, Am I prepared to read it again!!!  Be prepared It can awaken feelings of shame and rage. Honest feelings that are be embraced, and eventually.  They are to be embraced as our reality and accepted, slowly, through grace. We come to the acceptance of the depth of lasting damage to our soul and personhood.  Not a jail one wants, or has to be imprisoned in.  There is a way out of this jail of the toxic trinity.  First of all this is not who we really are.  The abuse can never penetrate our inner core when our Higher Power, Great Spirit, Creative and Creating One, make Its dwelling place.  That place always shines like a sparking diamond in our deepest selves. (Merton) To just survive, and eventually come to live life we must journey through layer after layer of serious poopey garbage.  WE must be always aware what we are encountering has no lasting life within it.  It is a "paper tiger" (Johnson).   If it has power it is because we provide that power.  Recovery, the journey into serenity and peace, cuts off that toxic power.  (My favorite "God I don't want to think like that anymore.)  When confronted, and, released into the transforming power of a Mercy-full and Soothingy-full, Power greater than ourselves, the miracle begins to happen.  We slowly let go of all  the crap. We begin to embrace the solution and live in the solution not in the problem.  Is this easy?  Holy #*## no.  The power of toxic shame is not broken very easily.  That is why perseverance in prayer is not just necessary, it is essential.  Without the gut wrenching prayer of powerlessness  there is no recovery.  On the other hand, when we are led to that point of  desire  for healing and recovery The Higher Power leads the way. "Even though I walk in the dark valley, I shall have no fear" because I now have a friend Who walks by my side and lives deep within me. "Your eyes are watchful,  Your ears are listening,  Your lips are speaking, Friend at my side."That reality is a constant.  When we pray away from that awareness we are in a shame attack.  Use "I release shame, I release shame" as many times necessary for the attack to slowly cease. It does, how do I know that? personal experience.  This has been my struggle over many, many decades.  Do the attacks ever cease? I am sorry to say no.  A great friend used to talk about, "eternal vigilance." We can NEVER get cocky, and think we can handle all of this on our own. "On our own we can do nothing, but we can do all things in Him who strengthens us."  It is all about us just getting out of the way and "let God, be God."  This process just described is one way of speaking about the spiritual journey.  We are all on this journey,  whether we know it or nor.  Whether we accept it or not. The choice is both yours and mine." Out of the depths I cry unto you o Lord. Lord hear my cry…


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