Honest reflection has led me to discover over that over the years that my journey into honesty in conversation with my Higher Power has been a slow process. My process into honesty with hand-in- hand with an ever developing trust. I was loved into that trust. With the deepening of trust came the deepening of faith. With an ever deepening faith that word "must" resonated with a deeper and a more freeing meaning. It is like, if I want to enjoy that Envy apple I must take a bite and chew on it. That word "must’ is now like the bite that is necessary to enjoy what the apple has to offer. I do not get that from just looking at the apple, I have to bite into the apple. I so, too have to take a bite of the apple of reality so as to enjoy the transforming power that allows me to become a more authentic presence of the living Christ-God. This is after all why I have been chosen ,to be blessed, broken and given. That word "must" is not as fear-full as it was. This means that the required inner deepening journey is now more easily embraced. That does not mean there is now no serious struggling going on. When you have neuropathy on top of fibromyalgia there are many, many middle of the night, and early dawn conversations. Our Gethsemane and Calvary encounters do not get any easier as one gets older. On the other hand Easter Joy and The resurrected freedom do not get dimmer, they increase exponentially in their intensity. Spiritual maturity does not comes with the years. Spiritual awareness can only come as the result of saying a struggling "yes" to the invitation to go, deeper. "I believe Lord, help my disbelief."