Dawn
carries with it a great sense of excitement. An excitement stemming from the coming,
promised , guaranteed encounter with the
mystery of The Unknown, and The Unknowable. This encounter will take place in
each and every moment we are allowed to draw breath. This will take place in
the familiar, and the unfamiliar. We will not be able to schedule this
encounter with Mystery. Mystery is revealed in "a time " that is
beyond our ability to control. Oh how we as human beings want so desperately to
be in control. We want to know the when, the where, and the how. The sad thing
is if God does not choose, and God never chooses to fulfill our limited
expectations, then we come to the conclusion there must be no God. The God of our
narrow understanding, restricted, imprisoned is an idol. Idols cannot can have existence,
and do not, nor cannot give life. To believe otherwise is a lie. How many
unfortunately do believe in that lie, and as a consequence live lifeless lives.
The idols we construct cannot enhance life, they only have the power to destroy
life. Idols of our ego's construct do not possess the power to transfigure or
transform. Worshiping at their altars always end in destruction and annihilation.
This wisdom comes to us the hard way. This
wisdom comes after we foolishly spend many, many, years of seeking The
Mystery in the places under our control and direction. Our desire for control and The Freedom, that Is Mystery are
mutually exclusive.
In
our 30's we are confronted with a side of ourselves that we much prefer to deny,
or at least to ignore. The limitations of our broken humanity become a very stark,
naked, reality. So much of what was once hidden, denied, buried now appears front and center and does not want to
go away. Hence our shadow self, becomes
a deeper reality. When we deny our shadow side we endanger healthy spiritual growth. The healthier practice is to bring
all that we are ashamed of, feel guilty about, to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Within the celebration we ask for the gift of honesty so there can be an
unveiling of all that is so disconcerting, troublesome, and even frightening.
We are all "perfectly imperfect" and we will never become perfect in
the acceptance of said reality, of said human condition. Eventually we have to
accept the truth as enunciated by Fr.Rohr when he points out that in our 30s we
have to face the the fact that "all our plans have come up short." He
goes on to say, we find, and consequently have to accept that we not the best
at anything. We are not the best wife,
husband, son, daughter, employer, employee.
You may now add to this list the shortcomings you much prefer to hide,
to deny...That list can be very long??? It will get longer as we grow in honesty with
who we are. Our deepest reality, being spiritual beings immersed, enfleshed in
the human condition will provide endless additions to our disturbing lists.
However,
there is good news. The Mercy of our Gracious Father became incarnate in the
flesh of The God-Man, Jesus Christ. We were recently reminded that He emptied
Himself of His Divinity so to take on our broken humanity and all its
sinfulness. He, by The mystery of The Incarnation, entered into our alienation
from His and our Father. He came to reveal the wonder-full, mysterious
mercy-full love, grace that is being offered to us in each, and every moment we
are in existence. Our existence speaks
to us of God's dwelling within us. It
guarantees us of our presence in the mind of Presence Itself. Were it possible, and it is not, for God to
forget us we would go poof and disappear. The fact that He lives and moves
within our being, guarantees us existence, not life. We are responsible for the quality of life we live. The quality
of that life is not decided for us, we are responsible for that ourselves. Of
late when a person says to me as I leave their presence, "Have A good
day" I now say thank you, and if "I do not it will be my own
fault" Almost 100% of the time we have a great laugh. However, this is NO laughing matter. This is serious stuff.
I
have found out I am not the only one who has struggled and still struggles with
the whole issue of taking responsibility for my own happiness. I cannot
transfer that responsibility on to anyone, or anything else. I have done it, and have learned, and am still
learning this hard fact, IT DOES NOT WORK. Being codependent is an every moment challenge
of looking deep within, not without, for the source of happiness. Will I be ever cured? Of course not. I have wounds that will never cured,
they must be cared for.(Moore) So we
will always be susceptible to shame attacks. Those attacks can lead to one
looking outside for validation, rather than believing in his own innate goodness.
Once we have been abused, whether, physical, spiritual, sexual or psychological
there is a propensity to look outside rather than inside for the source of joy
and happiness. For those of us who have been abused the inner journey is tough.
The last place we want to look for that which will make the journey less of a trudge,
is the last place we visit.
Those
of us who have been victims of abuse are toxically shamed. That is we have
lost, our "right to love, to be loved, (to be the beloved). This right to be the beloved which is an
essential foundation for all healthy
relationships. Once a victim always a victim until one make the decision to
become a survivor. That is NOT a decision
one makes once forever . This commitment to oneself has to be repeated
over and over, many times a day. Remember
one does not think one's way into a new way of acting, we act our way into a
new way of thinking. This is a very slow and pain-full process. However, being
faithful to a healthy way of living change does happen, but Not according to
our expectations. (Now where have you
heard that before ???) We cannot plan
out what our recovery will look like. In
broad strokes there "will be a new happiness, and a new freedom. " Our
understanding of happiness and freedom come from The Infinite one so the change
will be endless. I can honestly share with you that it can and does happen. You
can, as Baretta used say, "take that to the bank." All this change happens in the darkness of the inner journey,
in the darkened depths of who we are. Since we are wounded in the depths of our
being, it is there the healing must begin. It is from those depths the healing waves of
grace bubble up. A Light will shine to
slowly illuminate that inner darkness, and reveal secret treasures. Will this
be an easy ride? Of course not. Anything
that comes easy is no good. All that has come to us that has lasting Value is
the result of serious and pain-full struggle. There will be interruptions, and distractions.
There will be the temptation to quit
when we are faced with serious difficulties. These difficulties out of
necessity have to happen before we move on to new freedoms and new happinesses.
For this new creation of grace to appear the old must disappear. What turmoil that triggers within the depths
of who we are. We will have to face the
fear of losing everything that is most dear to us. We face death. We feel like
we are losing all control, and we are. We are led by grace to surrender, as we
have never surrendered before, to this new life that has mysteriously become a
new way of living. This will happen
through the action of grace, through the mysterious, unseen, incomprehensible,
action of grace. Through these
experiences we will come to know what; The Dark night of the Soul, and what the
Dark night of the Senses is all about. As this too, is the workings of grace. It is not for us to know how this works, that
is ego, it is enough for us to know that it does work.
I am then responsible for my own happiness,
and the recognition of Joy in my life. (One
is about having; the other is about being.)
I am confronted with this hard fact, I cannot, as much as I want to,
delegate That responsibility to somebody else, or to something else. That was
not easy to accept. I still on a very regular basis, have to shake Joe up and
remind him that no person, whatever their status may be, has the power, unless
I surrender said power, to decide for me who I am as beloved son of a Gracious,
Ever Prodigal, Father God. I am growing
in awareness, and acceptance that one has to know the hell of the prisons of guilt,
fear and shame in order to relish the freedom that comes with choosing to live
and not just exist." The glory of
God is the human person fully alive."
(St. Irenaeus) My happiness,
serenity, peace of mind depends on how I honestly answer this question,
"Am I a victim or am I a survivor?" In each and every moment we are
gifted to live the quality of my life which will depend on my lived answer. For
that I am responsible.
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